being sad and stuff

I was actually in the middle of typing "An Introduction to Dina Juan, about 83 days late" when suddenly I just felt sad. I'm not upset about anything in particular. In fact, I had a really nice day today. I helped my host mother rake leaves, learned how our compost is made into fertilizer, and ate ice cream in a church that's older than the USA. It was unusually sunny despite the chilly weather and I felt really nice after a day of activity.

But I just feel sad.

I guess a lot of things have been building up. My high school had homecoming week a while back and it made me really miss everything in San Jose. Juniors did an amazing job with airband and my friends looked amazing all dolled up for the dance. I saw my grandpa for a couple seconds on Skype and could pretty much smell his familiar scent of Marlboro and manufactured airplane parts. I found myself comparing everything to California, which made me susceptible to cravings: the mild San Jose climate, my entire family sleeping in to about 1 PM,  pupusas, and singing spontaneous duets with my brother when we have nothing else to do.

They told us to expect homesickness and that crying would help us feel better, but I can't even bring myself up to that. I feel the tension you usually get in your chest when you're about to burst into to tears but I can't burst for some reason. I guess writing this and spitting out some thoughts made me feel better, with some help from my host mom's homemade apple sauce. But I'm still waiting for that huge, refreshing exchange student cry.